Angelina's Brave Choice

I think that Angelina Jolie's decision to have profolatic mastectomies was brave.  I know what she went through.  It is a very hard thing to have your breasts removed.  My only difference is that I had cancer in my left breast and didn't want to get it on my right.  I would've rather have had the surgeries she did than have cancer and chemo/radiation.  Treatment stinks.  Then your done and everyone around you thinks all is back to normal.  I will never be the same.  Cancer changes you.  I don't take things for granted, I don't let opportunities pass me by.  I also worry daily about the cancer coming back.  Any new pain or change brings on the cancer worries.  Last night I was thinking, "Was the last year a dream?  A nightmare?"  It still doesn't seem real that I went through this.  I feel very out of my skin.  Life is a fragile gift.  One that can disappear at any time.  

Read about Angelina Jolie here  CNN article

Feeling better

Well it has officially been a month since my surgery.  Wow, that was a lot more than I thought.  My last surgery was painful emotionally.  I had lost my breasts, I had cancer and I still had radiation to get through.  This surgery was painful physically.  My right side reconstruction wasn't that bad.  I probably could have been back to work in a few days.  Now, my left side reconstruction was awful.  The difference is that my left side needed a lat. flap.  They took my muscle from my back and transferred it to reconstruct my breast with a small implant.  My back was in a lot of pain.  I still can't pick up much from the ground or sleep very long on that side.  I can get through this.  I have to keep telling myself that.

I am also dealing with fatigue.  I am tired a lot.  Tired at work, tired at home.  It has to do with the surgery, recovering still from chemo and radiation.  My white count still isn't back up to normal.  I found that surprising.  Cancer is the pits.  Now I have started worrying about every little pain.  Is my cancer back?  Could this be something that I should see the doctor about?  It is so frustrating.  The part I hate is that I know that this is my life from now on.  My cancer could grow back.  I keep telling myself to heal but sometimes God has another plan for us and I have to just do my part.  I have started exercising again and I am trying to eat better.  For now, that is all I can do.

Sugery Tomorrow

Yikes!  Surgery is tomorrow.  I am nervous/scared/excited all at once.  I don't know what I'm getting into, I hate the pain and I also just want it to be over!  I thought it would be interesting to explain what I am doing....


Reconstruction information

Also, here is a YouTube video...

I will report about it soon.........

Easter...Smeaster

I am feeling like I don't like this time of year.  I like the religious part and all but I have had enough!  Let me explain.  2011...I had Houston 3 days prior.  I wasn't really able to do much with the kids with a brand new baby.  2012....I had my port place on the Friday before and I was sick.  I was having chemo on the Tuesday after.  I wasn't really able to have fun with the kids.  2013.....I am having major surgery on the 26th and Easter is the 31st.  Again, I will not be able to enjoy this holiday with the kids.  I really wish that I was having a baby, at least that was a joyous event.  I guess I should just be rejoicing that I am alive!  Yes, I am happy about that but "Can someone else out there have a turn?"  
Happy Easter everyone!

My Year Long Adventure

So, it has ALMOST be one full year since my diagnosis and my week next week is SOOOO busy so I decided to post this a tad bit early.  I made a slide show to document this journey.  It is not one that I would wish on anyone but it is also one that I would never take back.  I have met so many kind, good people along this path.  I have learned to love life and to love people.  Some of the fun things that I got to do this year:  Wicked in Las Vegas, teaching the 7th graders about Cancer, Lee Denim Day at school, Park City retreat, Seattle conference, Jazz game with Todd, Relay for Life, Save a Sister, SUU gymnastics meet, Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and all the birthdays in between.  I have enjoyed having more time on this Earth.  My prayer is for even more.  Some of the not so happy times:  Chemo, radiation, blood draws, shots, losing my hair,  surgeries, pain, throwing up, losing my eyelashes, and not being able to hold my baby at times.  Those are the worst.  

If you are close to me, you are probably in here.  It is only because I wanted to honor those around me as well.  Thank you for all you've done.  Click the link below-----

This is You Tube

My Year with Cancer

This is Keynote 

Birthday

My birthday is coming and let's face it, it's been a pretty horrible year.  My 34th year will forever be remembered as the worst year of my life (so far).  I am excited to turn 35 because it will turn the page on this never ending saga.  I have been asked what I wanted and I have a few wishes:
     1.  No more poison being dripped into my chest.
     2.  No more knives cutting away my body.
     3.  No more scarves, hats or soft cloths for my head (hair growth is fabulous).
     4.  No more nightmares about cancer growing back....I will really have to work on this.
     5.  I would really like to limit the amount of people who see my breasts, yes they are still mine and       I still have some amount of dignity.
      6.  I would like to take away the pity in people eyes when they see me.  I am still alive and I don't
       need people to see me as a cancer patient.
      7.  I would like to take away my fear, fear that I will never see another birthday,  another              Christmas, children's graduations and all of the fun events in their lives.
      8. I would love to take away my scars, the physical and the emotional ones. 
      9.  I would like to forgive myself and God.  It wasn't my fault this happened and it wasn't God's.
       It happened and now I need to move forward.

Okay I had my pity party and now I can move on.  There is more to cancer than the medical treatment.  We have to talk about it and then we can move on. 

Conference Fun

Space  Needle

Kim, my sister from Tennessee

View from the Space Needle

My sisters from Virginia, I will forever be grateful for their friendship

Pike's Fish Market, what a fun place

This picture is mostly for the awesome guy behind me. 

Gum wall, yuck!

Jazz Game, it was a long week

Second row seats

Loving the cheesy background

Everyone who went to C4YW

Here are a few pictures from my adventure.  I learned a lot.  Mostly I learned to accept everyone for who they are and to forgive myself for getting cancer.  It is an everyday emotional battle.  I don't think it really ever goes away but you can learn to forgive and let go pieces at a time.  I had the best time with Kim, she is my sister from the East coast.  We met some amazing women from Virginia.  A group from Beyond Boobs.  They were amazing.  Thank you everyone for supporting my adventure.