Feeling Better

Okay, I feel better.  I know it is all the prayers being said on my behalf.  I feel more energy.  I feel grateful for all that I have in my life.  I know it has to do with all the good people in my life and the Lord looking after me through those people. 

I have decided that I am going to live each day with a positive attitude and fight!  Heck ya, I have my fiesty self back.  Hello, self...where have you been lately?  I know that I was in my "dark days" because of my surgery.  I know that I will have rough days ahead but I have more days...that is the positive side. 

I am still getting my expanders filled in Salt Lake each week. I am almost done.  Then I start radiation.  This will be a much better experience then Chemo, I just know it.  I have faith that it will.  It is going to go in there and kill all those stupid microscopic cancer cells.  I say, "Die you cells!"  Then I can go on with my life and enjoy things again that I miss, like excercise! 

One of the things I have been struggling with is my arms.  My lymphatic system is all screwed up because of my surgery.  They removed lymph nodes in both arms.  My arms hurt.  I went to see my OT and it felt so great.  She gave me some things to do to help but I think I just need more time.  Also, my back is all sort of messed up because of the expanders.  I can't do much with it either, I just have to be patient.  That is hard for me to do. 

Ryan wrote a sweet essay about his hero.  He showed it to me.  It said, "My mom is my hero.  She fights breast cancer.  She takes care of my baby brother even though she just had sugery.  My mom is strong and she is my hero."  I did hold it together while he was around.  I love these kids, they are my reason to keep fighting.  Them and my husband.  Life is good.  God is good.  Thank you God for allowing me to be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a sister, a daughter and a friend.  I have a good life and I want to give back!

(This is Ryan)

My next move is Denium Days.  Yes, I am trying to put together something for October.  I see our district superientendent tomorrow.  I want to present this opportunity for Breast Cancer Awareness.  I feel like everyone around me has given me SOOOO much that I want to give back.  The school has been so great and understanding through this whole process.  My co-workers are amazing.  The community is amazing.  I have been blessed through this whole thing and I need to share!  Ok, here's how it should go.  First, my co-workers can donate $5.00 to breast cancer research and then they would be allowed to wear denium to work on a chosen day.  I would also propose they wear pink shirts to match.  We would invite the students to join in with us.  It is an easy fundraiser and all the money earned would go to breast cancer research.  It is sponsered by Lee Jeans.  I did this in CA and it worked pretty well.  If my boss doesn't go for the denium, we could always wear PINK!  Wish me luck tomorrow.  I always get so nervous but I feel strongly about this and I know I could do this one thing to help.  Lee Denim Day October 2012

Enjoy your day!

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My Thoughts

I had a great anniversary with my husband.  He is my best friend and he is probablly the one person in this world who knows what I've been through and what I'm going through on a daily basis.

I will warn you, this post might not be pretty and full of hearts and flowers.  First, Cancer sucks!  It is not glamorous, not something you should ever wish on anyone, not easy and it is depressing.  I have so many thoughts right now and I hope I get them all out.  My family has been so strong through this whole process.  Todd kept going to Ryan's baseball activities all through my chemo.  The kids kept up with all of their activities.  I worked throughout chemo and I have already gone back to work.  We are trying to keep up with our normal lives.  It is NOT! because I feel or because Todd feels normal!  It is because we want our kids to have a normal childhood.  I don't want them to look back at this and think I ruined their lives because I got cancer.  I hurt.  Everyday I hurt.  It hurts to walk, to buckle my seatbelt, to flush the stupid toliet.  It hurts to write on the whiteboard.  I don't sleep at night.  I can't lie on my sides.  I sleep on my back because it is the only position I can without shooting pain.  I went back to work because I LOVE my job, I love my students.  I missed them.  It wasn't because I woke up one morning and thought, "Gosh, I'm better.  I think I'll go back to work now."  No, I went because I couldn't stay away from my students.

My wonderful husband has really had to pick up my slack.  I can't hold my baby right now and he has had to step in for me.  He is working so hard at home and at work.  I guess I am frustrated with myself because I have done a disservice to our family.  We have the appearance that everything is fine and dandy but really it is hard.  We do want to do this on our own but that doesn't mean we wouldn't love a phone call or a visit from friends and family.  I am also frustrated with situations around me.  I do have certain expectations from those I love.  I know everyone is very busy and I understand that.  But I would love to hear from those close to us.  I don't really feel right about calling you  and having an awkward conversation.  It might go something like this, "Hi, how are you?  You would say something like, "We're good.  Started school. How are you guys?"  I would then say, "Well, I had my breasts removed."  AWKWARD.....  I told you this post wasn't hearts and flowers.  It is the truth.

I am very grateful for those around me that take the time to talk to my kids and my husband.  They need you right now.  I will never be able to say thank you in enough ways.  I just don't have it in me right now to be the super mom and try to beat this stupid cancer.  I love life.  I love my world.  I am just beaten down.  I have radiation coming up and I need my strength back up again.  Just remember, we don't expect gifts or food or anything like that.  We just need people in our lives right now.