3 Years of Borrowed Time

My 3 year anniversary came and went.  I didn't mention it to anyone but I thought about it all day.  March 29, 2012.  This day is my Cancerversary, the anniversary of my devastating news,

  "You have cancer." 

 I live with the reminder every day.  The scars on my chest, the weakness in my back and the dull ache in my arms from having my lymph nodes removed.  Each ache I feel, every headache I get, new symptoms that arise-"Is the Cancer back?"  I hold it in, I know that people around me are sick of hearing about The Big C. I keep waiting for my old "normal" to come back, whatever I am living now- it is my new "normal".

 I am grateful for each day.  I know without modern medicine, I would be dead.  This time I have now, it is borrowed.  The Lord has blessed me with good doctors who look after me.  They cut out this beast from my chest, they filled me with poison, they radiated my body and they keep checking on me to see if I am allowed more time here on the Earth.
 
Houston was 9 months old when I found my lump.  He was just a baby.  He will be 4 years old in two weeks.  I am so lucky!  I have had three extra years with him.  He will know his mom.  I do not take this for granted.

Being a cancer survivor is also very hard.  I am TIRED.  Every day is a battle to wake up.  I want to sleep.  My body is tired.  It has been to hell and back and now it is worn down.  I have to fight with myself (and the snooze button) to wake up for work every day.  I do it, I owe it to myself and those around me to keep fighting to get my life back.  It is a realization for me that it may never be easy again. I think that this fatigue and the mourning of my old life at times leads to depression.  I have to keep telling myself that I am a fighter and it will get easier.

My daughter said something very profound last week.  I said that I was too tired to go on a walk.  She said, "Mom, you rode your bike 200 miles.  You are strong!"  Do you know what I did tonight?  I rode my bike.  I didn't want to.  I had a million reasons why I "shouldn't" go.  It was too cold.  My body was out of shape.  I just ate.  It was almost dark.  Instead, I listened to my amazing daughter.  I went on a 10 mile ride.  I loved every second.  On my jersey there is a word that inspires me to be better, SURVIVOR.  I have survived cancer and now it is my turn to make this body better.  It felt so good to use my body for better things than play Trivia Crack. My fingers were getting pretty tired this weekend.

Life is fragile.  It can change in a second.  Each day it is important to kiss your children, hug them, talk to them.  Tell your spouse that you love them.  The little things will work themselves out.  I have found strength in helping those around me.  It isn't all about me.  Life is about really SEEING who is around you, LISTEN to them, LEARN from them and let yourself LOVE those around you.