My Thoughts

I had a great anniversary with my husband.  He is my best friend and he is probablly the one person in this world who knows what I've been through and what I'm going through on a daily basis.

I will warn you, this post might not be pretty and full of hearts and flowers.  First, Cancer sucks!  It is not glamorous, not something you should ever wish on anyone, not easy and it is depressing.  I have so many thoughts right now and I hope I get them all out.  My family has been so strong through this whole process.  Todd kept going to Ryan's baseball activities all through my chemo.  The kids kept up with all of their activities.  I worked throughout chemo and I have already gone back to work.  We are trying to keep up with our normal lives.  It is NOT! because I feel or because Todd feels normal!  It is because we want our kids to have a normal childhood.  I don't want them to look back at this and think I ruined their lives because I got cancer.  I hurt.  Everyday I hurt.  It hurts to walk, to buckle my seatbelt, to flush the stupid toliet.  It hurts to write on the whiteboard.  I don't sleep at night.  I can't lie on my sides.  I sleep on my back because it is the only position I can without shooting pain.  I went back to work because I LOVE my job, I love my students.  I missed them.  It wasn't because I woke up one morning and thought, "Gosh, I'm better.  I think I'll go back to work now."  No, I went because I couldn't stay away from my students.

My wonderful husband has really had to pick up my slack.  I can't hold my baby right now and he has had to step in for me.  He is working so hard at home and at work.  I guess I am frustrated with myself because I have done a disservice to our family.  We have the appearance that everything is fine and dandy but really it is hard.  We do want to do this on our own but that doesn't mean we wouldn't love a phone call or a visit from friends and family.  I am also frustrated with situations around me.  I do have certain expectations from those I love.  I know everyone is very busy and I understand that.  But I would love to hear from those close to us.  I don't really feel right about calling you  and having an awkward conversation.  It might go something like this, "Hi, how are you?  You would say something like, "We're good.  Started school. How are you guys?"  I would then say, "Well, I had my breasts removed."  AWKWARD.....  I told you this post wasn't hearts and flowers.  It is the truth.

I am very grateful for those around me that take the time to talk to my kids and my husband.  They need you right now.  I will never be able to say thank you in enough ways.  I just don't have it in me right now to be the super mom and try to beat this stupid cancer.  I love life.  I love my world.  I am just beaten down.  I have radiation coming up and I need my strength back up again.  Just remember, we don't expect gifts or food or anything like that.  We just need people in our lives right now.