Chemo update

Well I had Chemo on Tuesday.  It pretty much kicked my butt this week.  I am tired, tired, tired.  I also have the upset stomach and my hair began to fall out in LARGE clumps.  This is pretty hard for me.  My whole life, I have had pretty good hair.  I never felt like coloring it, perming it or even cutting it that much.  This step has been very difficult for me.  I asked Todd today if he would just shave it off.  I was tired of having clumps in my hands at all times.  This will take some getting used to but at least I will live!  I'm taking one for the team.

Cancer update

So I went to my doctor today. My tumor has gone from 10 cm by 10 cm to 5.5 cm by 5 cm. It shrank by half with one dose of chemo, YEAH! This of course is an outside measurement so I am sure it is smaller without skin and such. This gives me hope! I also found out that I was staged at STAGE 3, not STAGE 2 like my surgeon had estimated. This was kind of a downer. It is okay though because I will beat this. I am estrogene positive, HER2 negative and progesterone neutral. The doctor was thinking that I might have to do ALL of my chemo before surgery, :( I really wanted to have a break in the middle. Well, I will do whatever is best for my body. He is recommending a double mastectomy. Wow, that is pretty life changing. I am hoping to be able to go to the Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake City to do the surgery. They can do immediate reconstruction with skin sparing and such. I am just working out the insurance situation now. Some great news...I am BRCA 1 and 2 negative. This is a genetic test. It is a gene that causes breast and ovarian cancer. If I was positive, I would be lookig at having to get my ovaries out too. About time I got some good news. I do have to see a genetics dr though for some more testing. I sure hope that my girls never have to go through this, especially not at such a young age.

Thank you

To my mother, Thank you for being there for me. I couldn't do this without you. You are someone I can talk to, share things with, cry with and depend on. I am so helpless when I am under my treatment. It is a horrible feeling to be so dependent. Todd and I are so grateful for all you do for us. Thank you for helping me make it through this very trying time. I love you.

Treatment Tomorrow

 

This is how I feel.  I am not excited for tomorrow.  I get my second treatment tomorrow morning.  I have my first cold while doing chemo and it sucks.  Adding chemo to this is going to stink.  The hair loss has started (kind of).  I am sure that with the second dose of chemo it will pick right up.  I had such a good week last week.  I almost felt normal, well my new kind of normal.  I guess I am going to have to live for the good weeks.  I am really lucky though, I get to watch all kinds of TV this week.  Just add in the Zofran, compozine and Adivan and I will be a barrel of laughs.  Let the fun begin!  Ha, ha, ha.

My Amazing Sister

My amazing sister has been such an uplifting support through all of this unending nightmare.  I can always count on her to listen to me, cry with me or be the one to "Curse you cancer".   I am thankful for all those in my life who have been a support and are helping to ease this tremendous burden.

Relay for Life

Relay for Life at SUU

Friday night was the annual Relay for Life at Southern Utah University.  It was kind of strange to register at the SURVIVORS table.  I know that I am a survivor and I am really grateful for that but it isn't a club that I necessarily wanted to become a part of.  I am really uplifted by all the courageous people who have fought cancer and won.  It gives me hope to know that many people have battled this demon and won.  I am just mad that this is where my life has taken me.  I am going to take that fight and keep battling this. My good friend bought me this cool bag and they lit them in the evening to honor those people who have had cancer.  I was able to walk the first lap with my family.  I had three of my kids with me.  Kaili was able to let our purple balloons go and the end of the lap, she liked that.   I only lasted two hours but it was good to get out and see people.  I was able to see the nice kids from GYC, a club at my school that I help with.  They donated $500.00 to the Relay for Life.  I am impressed by all those who support the effort to find a cure for cancer. 

Work

My Support System at Work!

I returned to work today.  I actually feel normal, sort of.  I still feel wierd...not myself but it was good to be around other people.  I was helping others, not just sitting around my house singing the "poor me" song.  I was having conversations that didn't revolve around the CANCER...I loved it.  I really loved being around the students.  It was good to see their happy faces and remember that, I love teaching.  I am pooped but it is really good to get back to my normal routine.  I have the best friends in the world at work.  They lift me up and help me see the good in people.  Thank you for all you've done for me.  One of the brave ladies I love also has breast cancer.  She is exactly one week ahead of me on her treatment.  I admire her strength and I am looking to her for the courage I need to make it to next week, :)

Lessons learned today

I got to spend time with the little ones today.  It is so amazing the things they find beautiful.  Houston was loving the birds, he was really looking at them at deciding if he liked them or not.  Jordan was just having fun swinging, riding her bike and dancing her merry self around our yard.  Kaili just wanted to sing her songs, sweeping the porch for us.  Ryan wanted to play ball and be outside.   I was content just to watch all of these things and be THANKFUL that I am alive and still around to watch my kids.  Be thankful for your kids today, give them extra sloppy kisses tonight. 

Kind words

All of your kind words have meant a lot to me. I have been down most of the week. I am still sick to my stomach...yuck! The metallic taste is coming in my mouth also. Aren't I lucky? I made it to church today...thanks to Penny, my awesome mother in law. I almost made it through without crying until the song, "Where can I turn for peace?" was sang. I cried, then I was mad because I let myself get so emotional. I just wish there was a fast forward button on my life... This is my hardest challenge yet.

Today has been a down

The highlight of my day has been having Houston snuggle me in my bed. He still wants to climb all over me and give me slobber kisses. My little Jordan still wants me to play Toddlers and Tiaras. It is fun to be a mom...I just wish I could do that better today.

Today I feel the effects of the chemotherapy. My head is spinning, my stomach is aweful, I don't feel myself. I have been down most of the day. My tumor has been hurting probably from the chemo. I just hope and pray that all my days aren't like this. Thank you for all your kind words and thoughts, it means a lot to me.

Port placement, hair cuts and the red devil

                                                          Hair cut-on my terms!  Take that cancer...

Final pose

                                                                Waiting for my Port Placement

                                              My Lovely Power Port-I've got super powers!

I have the best friends!

Wow, I have learned a lot over the last few days. As I sit here getting my first chemotherapy treatment, I am thinking about all of my blessings. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, great children, beautiful home, true friends and a fullfillimg job. I am thankful for my Savior and all that he gives me. I am truly grateful for each additional day that I am given.

Friday April 6...I had my PET scan in the morning. The worst part was not being able to eat carbs or dairy the day before. I can now say that I am addicted to carbs. I was so hungry and was very whinny about not feeling well. My poor husband just took it and was very supportive. The PET scan showed that my cancer is pretty contained to my breast and a couple of lymph nodes. There is no sign of cancer in my other organs. That is a good thing. My cancer is estrogene positive, which is also a good thing. The doctors have more medicine to treat that kind, I have been told. I didn't mind the PET scan, I took a Zanex so I was relaxed. Todd said that I was very agreeable. Maybe I should take them more often? I then went to Cedar City and had my surgery to have my POWER PORT (like I have a super power or something)placed. That wasn't so bad. I woke up super hungry. The first thing I said was, "Give me my food". I know my priorities. The rest of the night was a blur. Lots of meds + me= coocoo.

Monday April 9...I saw my great oncologist. He was really supportive and encouraging. He said that my echocardiogram was fine just that it showed something cold and dark...ha ha (my heart). I know that he and I are going to get along just fine. I also got my hair cut today. I cut off all of it so that I could dontate it to Locks of Love before the chemo got into it. It is going to fall out anyway. I am going to be one hot bald woman...watch out!

Tuesday April 10..Day of my first chemotherapy. I started off the day with a breast MRI. I will have to say that this is the worst thing that I have done. I should have saved the anxiety meds for this. You have to lay down with you face in a blanket, boobs hanging and don't you dare move. It will mess everything up. The noise is extremely loud. The machine takes 1000 pictures and formulates images of the cancer and suspicious spots. I am NOT looking forward to this again anytime soon. I had to keep thinking about my kids and why I was fighting this cancer.

Next came the chemotherapy. I am not going to lie. I did cry. I cried because it was real. I cried because I am sick. I cried because my life was about to change. Why is a 34 year old woman going to have chemotherapy??? Why, because I want to live. I want to be here for my family. I have way too many smiles to share, way too many good night kisses to give and way to many "I love you's" to say. So, I got the red devil in my veins. It is called that because it is red and it makes you pee red. My whole insides are probably red. They most likely look like Kool-Aid. I feel okay. It might take a few days to feel the affects but I am fighting this and I am fighting hard!

Ups and Downs

Today was filled with ups and downs. I started out the day with finishing my participation for the breastmilk study. Off the milk went to be studied and hopefully help other young mothers. Next, came the army of women to clean my house before all my procedures. These women came and cleaned my home with love in their hearts. I feel the love around me and it is definately helping me make it through my days. My husband and I then went to our church's temple to feel closer to the Lord. I came away from that feeling at peace. We spent the rest of the day with our little family. I love those kids even when I am feeling stressed. They are the joy in my life. I am grateful for each additional day I am granted with them. My friend gave me the advice to start a gratitude journal and so I have. I am hoping this will help me keep things in perspective.

Now came the lows...I nursed my son for one of the last times. I have loved this part of my life. It was something I could do for each of my children that was special for us.Even though I work, I was able to nurse them when we were together and pump when we were apart. This was a sad thing for me to give up. I am feeling scared about my PET scan and port placement tomorrow. I really don't want the cancer to be found anywhere else besides my breast and I am sad that I have to have the port. This only gets me closer to having to have that poison in my body. The alternative is much worse...I will not give up and I will not lose this battle. I have way too many moments to share with my loved ones. I have to be there for my daughters weddings, my sons graduations and my future with my AWESOME husband. Yes, today was filled with mixed emotions but it was another day and I am grateful for that!

My Diagnosis

Study for University of Mass.
Flowers from some really good friends of ours and family.

Two of my reasons to fight this monster.

I love them so much!

Well, this is going to be a long and hard journey but one that I am ready for. Sure I have had days of crying then laughing and crying again. Those days will come and go, I'm sure. Right now I am just MAD! I have to fight. I have to be here for my kids and my wonderful husband. I have way too much life left to give up my fight. I just keep asking, "Why God? I don't understand. I don't know why my body has betrayed me." I really do love life. I am not a depressed person. I love to be around people, do things, stay active. I really felt like my health was really good. I guess I should explain how all of this went down.

It started six weeks ago....I thought I had mastitus. I called my sister and asked her what she had done when she had this. I massaged and used heat. I had this lump on my left breast that wasn't going away. I nursed my son on that side first each time I fed him. The lump didn't go away. I called the doctor's office after a week because it started to hurt on that side when I slept. I thought that my infection was just getting worse. He prescribed an antibiotic. I took it for 10 days. The pain went away but the lump did not. I called the doctors office again and left a message. This time the nurse called my cell phone and left me a message that said, If I had any more questions about my lump to call back. I was mad because I felt dismissed. I waited another week and called again. This time the doctor ordered an ultrasound. I scheduled that for the next week. I had the ultrasound on March 28th. The ultrasound tech took some pictures and the radiologist came to look at them. He quickly asked my story and took a look at my images. He then decided to biopsy the lump right then and there. He said it was either a tumor or cancer. I was shocked. I really thought that they would just be able to suck out my infection and I would be done with all of this. I was so sure that I went to my appointment by myself and my husband didn't come with me. I was alone for the biopsy and so shocked at my news. The radiologist said that I would know in 3-5 days what was found but that I should schedule the appointment with a surgeon immediately.

I was informed the very next day that I had breast cancer. I am 34 years old and nursing an 11 month old baby and I have breast cancer. This is something my mother has had twice, not a young mother like me. She was 44 years old when she had her first diagnosis. My grandmother had breast cancer at age 60. Everyone thought that both of their cancers were due to downwinders exposure during the 1950's-60's. I am not convinced now. There has to be something in our family genes to create this monster.

I have since seen the oncologist...can you believe that I HAVE AN ONCOLOGIST!! What the HECK is wrong with that picture??? I have also had my chemo class, seen the surgeon and have set up my date for surgury for my portacath. This is a device that will help me receive my chemotherapy. I will have chemotherapy next week, aren't I lucky. I will get poison running through my veins. It is such a shock to me because I don't use any drugs, don't drink or smoke, I don't hardly even take OTC medications. They want to do chemotherapy to try to shrink my tumor first before my operation. My tumor was 5cm x2 cm x3 cm. It isn't small. How did I miss it? I had my first mammogram two years ago before I got pregnant with my little miracle baby. I will explain that later. The mammogram was clean and good.

Now I am just coming to terms with losing my hair, feeling like crap and having to wean my little boy. He is really hating it. I have offered to participate in a research study about breastcancer and breast feeding. It is through the University of Mass. I am hoping I can help other young mothers who might be faced with this. I know that there will be days that I hate life but as of right now, I love life and I have way too much love to give to give up now.