Many Memories Return

So, I got this picture last week.  Out of the blue our cousin sent it to me.  It was from her wedding.  I had just had chemo three days prior to this day.  As I looked at this picture, I started to cry.  This woman is me but it feels about a thousand miles removed from me.  Did I really go through this?  That is my baby.  He was just one year old-barely- when this picture was taken.  This is my infant that needed his mother as much as I needed mine.  I had wore my scarf to the wedding and tried to put on my happy face for the family.  I WAS SO SICK.  I remember taking three kinds of anti nausea pills so that I could face the world.  It was a kind of sick that I will never forget.  It wasn't like a stomach ache or morning sickness.  It was a chemical poison in my body.  I felt strange and weak.  This picture reminds me of all the sad glances I would receive from strangers.

I say all of these awful things but this picture also reminds me of how hard I fought to stay with my family.  I went to hell and back just to stay here on the earth a little longer.  This picture shows a mother taking care of her child no matter how weak she was.  He was my strength.  I wasn't going to leave him.  He loved me no matter how ugly I became or how different I looked from the medicine.  It wasn't about the outside appearances.  He loved me because I am his mom and nothing can change that.

Thank you for giving me this little piece of my past.  This picture was taken from an outsider looking in on me for just a moment.  It is a gift, it reminds me to slow down and hug the kids a little longer.

Join With Me

I would love to have YOU join my efforts for breast cancer awareness. I have pledged to ride 200 miles (in 3 days) with my team, the Desert Divas. We are raising $7,500.00 to donate to the Young Survival Coalition, a national non-profit for young women affected by breast cancer. Here is how the money raised is used:
$100.00 provides newly diagnosed kits to four women.
$250.00 trains a survivor to serve as a peer mentor for support for these young women.
$500.00 will fund an educational program for women to get their questions answered.
$1200.00 provides travel grants to two women to attend the C4YW, an annual national conference.

I have seen all of these programs used in my community. I have attended the national conference twice, the last time four women from Cedar City went with me. Your donation is FULLY TAX DEDUCTIBLE.

My team has raised $6,916.60. We are almost there!! Please help us. Any amount will help. Young women can and do get breast cancer. YSC means so much to me. I love these women and I love this program. THANK YOU!!

http://www.ysctourdepink.org/site/TR/TourdePink/TourdePink-WestCoast?team_id=6180&pg=team&fr_id=1401

2014 Tour de Pink West Coast: Desert Divas - Young Survival Coalition - Tour de Pink

2014 Tour de Pink West Coast

YSCTOURDEPINK.ORG

Calling for Names

I have this crazy idea, well not too crazy, but fun idea.

I am riding with my friends in the Tour de Pink in October.   It is a 200 mile bike ride to raise awareness and support for young survivors of breast cancer. (Young Survival Coalition)

I would like to put breast cancer survivors names on our team jersey.  I would love some nominations of names, people you know with breast cancer.  I have my amazing support group here in Utah but I am open for suggestions.  Shoot me an email with your ideas.  The email form is at the bottom of the blog.

Strange

Strange Feelings
   I recently signed up with my hospital to have access to my personal records.  It was so weird to read through my old Pet scan results, MRI's, blood work, ultrasounds, doctors notes.  I think doctors tell you what they think you want to hear.  I feel like I am a person who wants to know everything.  I like knowing the exact numbers, a little OCD about it.  It is so strange to read about this girl who had a large mass in the  upper right quadrant.  Doesn't seem possible, doesn't seem like me.  I am gaining distance from that girl every day.  It is a nice feeling.  

   I came to the conclusion yesterday that I can't worry about my cancer coming back everyday.  I am losing "good days" by worrying about "bad days" that may or may not come.  If it does, it does.  I need to enjoy all of these days, not stress about things that may not happen.  Life is so interesting.  I have learned so much over the past two years, things that I never expected to know.  I am stronger than I ever expected, I love deeper than I thought possible, I feel the pain with more perspective, and I laugh with less worry about "what other people will think".  Yes, life is funny.