Strange

Strange Feelings
   I recently signed up with my hospital to have access to my personal records.  It was so weird to read through my old Pet scan results, MRI's, blood work, ultrasounds, doctors notes.  I think doctors tell you what they think you want to hear.  I feel like I am a person who wants to know everything.  I like knowing the exact numbers, a little OCD about it.  It is so strange to read about this girl who had a large mass in the  upper right quadrant.  Doesn't seem possible, doesn't seem like me.  I am gaining distance from that girl every day.  It is a nice feeling.  

   I came to the conclusion yesterday that I can't worry about my cancer coming back everyday.  I am losing "good days" by worrying about "bad days" that may or may not come.  If it does, it does.  I need to enjoy all of these days, not stress about things that may not happen.  Life is so interesting.  I have learned so much over the past two years, things that I never expected to know.  I am stronger than I ever expected, I love deeper than I thought possible, I feel the pain with more perspective, and I laugh with less worry about "what other people will think".  Yes, life is funny.