Many Memories Return

So, I got this picture last week.  Out of the blue our cousin sent it to me.  It was from her wedding.  I had just had chemo three days prior to this day.  As I looked at this picture, I started to cry.  This woman is me but it feels about a thousand miles removed from me.  Did I really go through this?  That is my baby.  He was just one year old-barely- when this picture was taken.  This is my infant that needed his mother as much as I needed mine.  I had wore my scarf to the wedding and tried to put on my happy face for the family.  I WAS SO SICK.  I remember taking three kinds of anti nausea pills so that I could face the world.  It was a kind of sick that I will never forget.  It wasn't like a stomach ache or morning sickness.  It was a chemical poison in my body.  I felt strange and weak.  This picture reminds me of all the sad glances I would receive from strangers.

I say all of these awful things but this picture also reminds me of how hard I fought to stay with my family.  I went to hell and back just to stay here on the earth a little longer.  This picture shows a mother taking care of her child no matter how weak she was.  He was my strength.  I wasn't going to leave him.  He loved me no matter how ugly I became or how different I looked from the medicine.  It wasn't about the outside appearances.  He loved me because I am his mom and nothing can change that.

Thank you for giving me this little piece of my past.  This picture was taken from an outsider looking in on me for just a moment.  It is a gift, it reminds me to slow down and hug the kids a little longer.