Ups and Downs

Today was filled with ups and downs. I started out the day with finishing my participation for the breastmilk study. Off the milk went to be studied and hopefully help other young mothers. Next, came the army of women to clean my house before all my procedures. These women came and cleaned my home with love in their hearts. I feel the love around me and it is definately helping me make it through my days. My husband and I then went to our church's temple to feel closer to the Lord. I came away from that feeling at peace. We spent the rest of the day with our little family. I love those kids even when I am feeling stressed. They are the joy in my life. I am grateful for each additional day I am granted with them. My friend gave me the advice to start a gratitude journal and so I have. I am hoping this will help me keep things in perspective.

Now came the lows...I nursed my son for one of the last times. I have loved this part of my life. It was something I could do for each of my children that was special for us.Even though I work, I was able to nurse them when we were together and pump when we were apart. This was a sad thing for me to give up. I am feeling scared about my PET scan and port placement tomorrow. I really don't want the cancer to be found anywhere else besides my breast and I am sad that I have to have the port. This only gets me closer to having to have that poison in my body. The alternative is much worse...I will not give up and I will not lose this battle. I have way too many moments to share with my loved ones. I have to be there for my daughters weddings, my sons graduations and my future with my AWESOME husband. Yes, today was filled with mixed emotions but it was another day and I am grateful for that!